You never want to tempt fate and say what else could happen, but my life over the past six weeks has been filled with goodbyes, excitement, and the terror of the medical unknown. I said goodbye to my dear husband Balan who was deployed to Afghanistan at the end of October. I thought I had a great coping plan in place. My mother and sister- in- law were going to stay a few extra days after saying goodbye to Bal to help with our annual Halloween cotton candy and raise the spirits of my 3 little Indians. I had also launched my kickstarter campaign to help cover the costs of publishing my children’s book “Countdown ’til Daddy Comes Home.” My book project would give me something to focus on after my kids went to bed and the loss of my alone time with my husband would make me weepy, snack and watch worthless TV. All my plans we changed with a single “Mom!” waking me in the early morning.
There are so many sayings about testing your strength… here is one of my favorites.
Nothing can ever prepare you for the experience of watching your teenage son have a “seizure,” not knowing where he is or answering simple questions. My logical, rational mind took over in the ER that morning. I was able to answer all the Doctors questions, plead with Vasan to come back to me and hold him down while they attempted two lumbar punctures (spinal taps). On the outside I handled everything quite calmly and politely. It wasn’t until Vasan came back to me in the PICU with an unknown infection in his brain that I finally took a moment to reflect on the past few hours and I totally lost it! I believe that God is in my heart and he put me on auto pilot that early morning in October. I made all the right decisions and things could have been quite different or even tragic if I would have made even one alternate choice. Thankfully the Air Force brought Balan home from Afghanistan and he was able to stay until Vasan was on a path to recovery, but that meant another tearful goodbye for the entire family wrapped in even more uncertainty. My faith is what is now keeping me sane because 6 weeks later we still do not know what exactly infected Vasan’s brain and if we are on the correct course of antibiotics. The MRIs show a steady improvement but the not knowing is nagging me. I have to let it all go! Easy to say but extremely hard to do. Things are starting to get back to normal and I know that I am stronger for experiencing all of the past six weeks but I silently hope this is the last of my tests during Balan’s deployment.